Choices

I could never have imagined I would mess up a good relationship this badly.  I sat at my kitchen table wondering how I could have allowed my life to get to this point.

The choices in the past were all my own.  No matter how much part of me wanted to scream out excuses, I had to own my decisions.  ‘No it’s not your fault,’ was always how the rationalization started.  I could blame my choice on something my boyfriend had done, the feeling of being trapped, wanting change and maybe even because the day was cloudy.  Anything as long as it wasn’t my fault.

I was in a good relationship.  We had our ups and our downs; our hurt feelings and broken trust, but I messed it up worse than his mistakes.  I branched out with my emotions in the equivalent of thinking with my penis, if I had a penis.

No matter how hard I focused on the past, I could not change the present.  Sitting in the chair moved to my college apartment from my childhood home, I wondered what to do next.  Could I just wish for a time machine so I could fix the past?

My fingers found the stem of my wine glass, and I gulped down the last remaining drops.  I heaved myself out of the chair with the feeling of the weight on my shoulders pressing me back down.  I fingered the Arbor Mist bottle in the fridge and considered just losing another night to alcohol as opposed to acting on the choice I made.

My empty hand inadvertently rubbed my stomach as I chugged another glass of wine.  ‘I’m sorry baby’, I pleaded to the invader in my stomach, ‘it will be better when we are drunk.  It will be better when this is over.’

The night faded away into a sunny morning.  I hated the irony of the sun.  He waited down the stairs in my car to drive me to the clinic.  I trudged down the stairs vaguely aware that this decision, this choice was changing two lives instead of just one.

We drove through the sun few words spoken more than small talk.  As we pulled into the parking space, the doors to the clinic looming behind me, he turned to speak.

“I won’t let you do this.”

“It’s not your choice to make,” I spat back at him.

“I won’t come in.”

“You’re ruining my life,” I yelled at him.  I beat him with my words.  I wanted so badly for him to just shut up and tell me I was right.  I needed him to validate my selfish choice, my want to just fix this problem inside me.

Instead, he took my hands and looked deep into my eyes.  “We can do this together.”

It became clear he wasn’t giving up.  He wasn’t going to allow me to make the quick fix.

“No,” I violently shook my head causing the car to spin.  “No, I can’t.  I don’t want to.  I can’t be a mom.”

“Yes you can.”  He stared at me.  He comforted me.  This boy that I threw to the curb, stepped on and ripped out his heart still treated me with kindness.  It was then that I realized my time machine was sitting in the car next to me.  I could make up for those wrong choices and bad decisions.

I sighed and took his outstretched hands.

“Ok, as long as we do it together.”

As the clinic’s doors faded in the rearview mirror, it was then the whole world shifted.

The above story was written for Red Writing Hood prompt start with I could never have imagined and end with the the whole world shifted and keep it under 600 words.  The above story is not fiction like I usually write, and I found it harder to write when I wasn't making it up.  There was so much that I wanted to fit into 600 words.  Constructive critiscm is always welcome!