Friday, January 6, 2012

Can you be too bad-ass for Christ?

Can I be honest with y'all?

This week has not been a good one.

Maybe I had too high expectations heading into it.  I was going to get back into my being at home routine ... going to the Y, cleaning, cooking, folding laundry, etc.

Instead I have had no motivation to go to the gym, I let the laundry pile up because the washing machine broke, and I've just wanted to sit all week.  I have lost my patience everyday this week with both the girls and with Andrew.  I have been hurtful and lazy, and overall it's just been a shitty week.

While I was thinking about this at work last night, my brain jumped to a seemingly random thought; "I need more quiet time with God."

It's hard to describe, but I could feel my brain fighting with and against this thought.

Before college, I was very close in my spiritual walk with God.  I prayed constantly, and I felt a closeness with Him.  Then in college I started drinking and became pregnant out of wedlock at 21, and a part of my faith died.

When I think about strengthening my walk with Christ, part of me feels like I'm too bad-ass for that.  I cuss (in my head) now; I didn't then.  I drink now; I didn't then.  I'm more stressed out now, I'm more 'worldly'.  It feels like the hole is too big to cross over to join back with that faith walk.

I don't know if there is anyone else feeling the same way.  Perhaps it's only me.  I was such a strong Christian, so true in my ways and understanding.  I feel as if then I was tested, and I failed.  I want to be back where I was.  I want to once again feel the strength that comes from being close with my Savior.

I haven't abandoned any of my beliefs.  I still pray with my girls every night and feel it is important to take them to church.  I am still a Christian and a believer.

But it just makes me wonder ... can you be a bad-ass and still be close to Christ?

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