Wednesday, March 14, 2012

his best friend

I have a problem with intimacy with my husband.  I don't mean the ahem behind the bedroom door intimacy, but more the 'place a hand on his shoulder, whisper into his ear in public' kind.

This was very evident last weekend during our trip to the GA Aquarium.  Well, evident to him, he explained it to me later.

I have what I like to call 'crowd claustrophobia' a whole 'nother post all together, but when in a large crowd I am over-the-top anxious, jumpy and often start hyperventilating.

Last Saturday, as our girls snoozed in their bed and we enjoyed a glass of wine, Andrew shared with me a situation he was troubled with earlier at the crowded aquarium.  Not sure where to turn, what to do, overwhelmed and anxious I spoke to Andrew as if 20 doors separated us instead of air and a few feet.

 That night, sinking into the bed, Andrew shared that he wished instead of yelling over to him I had come over, lightly touched his elbow, spoke into his ear about the problems I was having.  Our conversation was between him and I, not everyone milling around.

And then he said the comment that really touched me to my soul.  He said, "I feel like you have the idea in your head of the perfect wife, and you struggle to be that.  Instead of being that perfect wife, that perfect mom, that perfect woman, I just want you to be my best friend."

His best friend.

He's right.  I do have that perfect woman dancing around in my head, judging me everyday against my actions.  But no, I shouldn't have to judge myself against this idolized woman.  I should just focus on being best friends with my husband.

Flirt with him more.  Be with him more.  Touch him more when I talk.  Support him more.  Laugh with him more.  Remember how we were before our beautiful headaches.  Remember how we were before we were even dating, when we truly were just best friends.

Thanks best friend for reminding me of this.

I love you more than I even know.

Look! Scary!

I took a while off of blogging, so to get back in the habit I am participating in HopesandDreams 30 things.

2.  Describe three legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
so I've been listening to this podcast called the Mental Health Happy Hour and on the show they have a 'fear off' where the guest and a listener list fears back to back.  I think I tackle any one of their fear lists, lol.  So here's to three of them:

I'm afraid of being a bad parent.
While being a parent is very often hard and difficult, I'm afraid of messing my girls up.  Recently Leah (my 4 year old) has being having some anger issues.  I struggle with how to deal with her outbreaks because honestly I have anger issues myself.  I don't want her to be 26 and struggling with some things I struggle with, and yet it's still hard for me to discipline her.  I don't want her to lie on a couch one day and say 'it's all my mommy's fault'.

I'm afraid of bugs.
No really, like horribly, especially roaches.  Oh and spiders.  I will scream like I'm being attacked, run from a room, and creating a terrifying situation for a roach as big as my fingernail.  Andrew thinks it's either funny or self-building to force me to kill the bugs.  I don't think it's quite as amusing.

I'm afraid of being vulnerable.
I just want to be strong all the time.  No thank you, I got it, strong.  This is a fear I feel strongly about wanting to overcome.  Vulnerability is essential in a relationship and while I don't need to seem like a weepy girl to everyone I know, I do need to know who I can let my guard down to and open up all these deep and dark thoughts.

So, wonderful readers, tell me a fear.  What are you afraid of?

Friday, March 9, 2012

Long time, No write

oh where, oh where did my little blog go ...
oh where, oh where would you be?

oh yeah, school, work, kids, no time means I didn't post.  Now that I'm not in school (long story which I'm sure I'll share one day) I have all this free time.  I don't really want to clean more.  I wouldn't like to fold clothes.  Although I will have to do all of this, I would also like to get back into updating my blog.

I found this awesome list of 30 questions on Hopes and Dreams so I figured answering these would be a great way to get into the habit of blogging again.

1. List 20 random facts about yourself.

20?  really?  man ... that's a high number.  I mean 20 was old when I was in elementary school ...

-I love to read so much that as a child I would not stop reading to eat dinner.  I used to get in trouble for that too.
-I rarely do my hair.  In fact the hair dryer I own is the same one I had in high school (12 years ago)
-I'm messy.  shhhh don't tell, I'm trying to get better
-I talk in my sleep.  I once held a phone conversation with Andrew in my sleep.
-I love t.v.  Gilmore Girls and Scrubs are my two favorite 'I can watch every episode over and over again' shows.
-I watch too much t.v.  Ask my husband, he'll agree.
-I have the goal of becoming a nurse one day.
-I think watching E.R. as a child / teen / adult has influenced my idea of becoming a nurse.  That and the fact that I feel comfortable in hospitals.
-I believe in ghosts, angels, and demons.
-I played soccer in high school even though I never made it past the JV team.  I chose jazz band over varsity soccer.
-I play trumpet, piano and handbells.
-I love VeggieTales as much as my two girls.
-I love Auburn University and everything with it.  Auburn football.  Auburn colors.  Auburn traditions.  My degree from Auburn.
-I am addicted to listening to podcast episodes.  I work alone on the third shift so I listen to podcasts constantly.
-Wicked is my all-time favorite Broadway play.
-I used to be a pretty horrible cook, but I'm trying and I've actually made like 2 or 3 good recipes.
-Being a mom defines me more than I ever could have imagined.
-I always add an extra shot of espresso to my coffee drinks.
-I am extremely afraid of bugs.  I scream at the sight of a cockroach.
-I adore Christ, my family, and life even as I learn day by day how to live it best.

Well, there ya go, 20 random (super random) facts.  Hope you enjoyed learning a bit more about me and will stick around to learn even more!