Saturday, September 22, 2012

Welcome Back

My blog is like a string of a sweater that keeps getting stuck and pulled.  I keep wanting to come back, but I'm not sure how.  Has it been too long since I posted on here?  Is it too late to come back?

My blog is also like those see-through strings that are supposed to help you hang up your shirts, but instead they just fall out my collar so everyone can see them.  Things happen in life that make me think 'I should be blogging this'.  People remind me of situations, ideas to write about, the love of blogging that I just seemed to lose over the last few years.

I changed the name of my blog.  
I changed the layout.
I'm working on making it my new favorite place to be.
I'm coming back, and I want to make it work!

A few updates:

I spent the summer working in New Orleans and missing my family so very much.  Why, you ask?  Because I'm too nice ... maybe ... I work in a coal testing lab, and the lab supervisor down in St. Rose had to have heart surgery so they needed someone to help out for a few months.  I thought it could be the 'fast track to management', but really it just reminded me how much I enjoy where we are now.  Oh, and I got a pay raise out of it too.  

 I spent every other weekend flying home --

to get to see my family!

Leah turned 5!

No joke, her party was on the only cold weekend of not only August, but the whole summer.  I'm not sure the kids noticed how cold and wet is was outside though...

School started!  Leah started in kindergarten and Audrey started 'older two's' MDO:

That's a quick recap of a few things that happened this summer, all from one folder uploaded from my iPhone.  Glad to be back and sharing my life on here.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

his best friend

I have a problem with intimacy with my husband.  I don't mean the ahem behind the bedroom door intimacy, but more the 'place a hand on his shoulder, whisper into his ear in public' kind.

This was very evident last weekend during our trip to the GA Aquarium.  Well, evident to him, he explained it to me later.

I have what I like to call 'crowd claustrophobia' a whole 'nother post all together, but when in a large crowd I am over-the-top anxious, jumpy and often start hyperventilating.

Last Saturday, as our girls snoozed in their bed and we enjoyed a glass of wine, Andrew shared with me a situation he was troubled with earlier at the crowded aquarium.  Not sure where to turn, what to do, overwhelmed and anxious I spoke to Andrew as if 20 doors separated us instead of air and a few feet.

 That night, sinking into the bed, Andrew shared that he wished instead of yelling over to him I had come over, lightly touched his elbow, spoke into his ear about the problems I was having.  Our conversation was between him and I, not everyone milling around.

And then he said the comment that really touched me to my soul.  He said, "I feel like you have the idea in your head of the perfect wife, and you struggle to be that.  Instead of being that perfect wife, that perfect mom, that perfect woman, I just want you to be my best friend."

His best friend.

He's right.  I do have that perfect woman dancing around in my head, judging me everyday against my actions.  But no, I shouldn't have to judge myself against this idolized woman.  I should just focus on being best friends with my husband.

Flirt with him more.  Be with him more.  Touch him more when I talk.  Support him more.  Laugh with him more.  Remember how we were before our beautiful headaches.  Remember how we were before we were even dating, when we truly were just best friends.

Thanks best friend for reminding me of this.

I love you more than I even know.

Look! Scary!

I took a while off of blogging, so to get back in the habit I am participating in HopesandDreams 30 things.

2.  Describe three legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
so I've been listening to this podcast called the Mental Health Happy Hour and on the show they have a 'fear off' where the guest and a listener list fears back to back.  I think I tackle any one of their fear lists, lol.  So here's to three of them:

I'm afraid of being a bad parent.
While being a parent is very often hard and difficult, I'm afraid of messing my girls up.  Recently Leah (my 4 year old) has being having some anger issues.  I struggle with how to deal with her outbreaks because honestly I have anger issues myself.  I don't want her to be 26 and struggling with some things I struggle with, and yet it's still hard for me to discipline her.  I don't want her to lie on a couch one day and say 'it's all my mommy's fault'.

I'm afraid of bugs.
No really, like horribly, especially roaches.  Oh and spiders.  I will scream like I'm being attacked, run from a room, and creating a terrifying situation for a roach as big as my fingernail.  Andrew thinks it's either funny or self-building to force me to kill the bugs.  I don't think it's quite as amusing.

I'm afraid of being vulnerable.
I just want to be strong all the time.  No thank you, I got it, strong.  This is a fear I feel strongly about wanting to overcome.  Vulnerability is essential in a relationship and while I don't need to seem like a weepy girl to everyone I know, I do need to know who I can let my guard down to and open up all these deep and dark thoughts.

So, wonderful readers, tell me a fear.  What are you afraid of?

Friday, March 9, 2012

Long time, No write

oh where, oh where did my little blog go ...
oh where, oh where would you be?

oh yeah, school, work, kids, no time means I didn't post.  Now that I'm not in school (long story which I'm sure I'll share one day) I have all this free time.  I don't really want to clean more.  I wouldn't like to fold clothes.  Although I will have to do all of this, I would also like to get back into updating my blog.

I found this awesome list of 30 questions on Hopes and Dreams so I figured answering these would be a great way to get into the habit of blogging again.

1. List 20 random facts about yourself.

20?  really?  man ... that's a high number.  I mean 20 was old when I was in elementary school ...

-I love to read so much that as a child I would not stop reading to eat dinner.  I used to get in trouble for that too.
-I rarely do my hair.  In fact the hair dryer I own is the same one I had in high school (12 years ago)
-I'm messy.  shhhh don't tell, I'm trying to get better
-I talk in my sleep.  I once held a phone conversation with Andrew in my sleep.
-I love t.v.  Gilmore Girls and Scrubs are my two favorite 'I can watch every episode over and over again' shows.
-I watch too much t.v.  Ask my husband, he'll agree.
-I have the goal of becoming a nurse one day.
-I think watching E.R. as a child / teen / adult has influenced my idea of becoming a nurse.  That and the fact that I feel comfortable in hospitals.
-I believe in ghosts, angels, and demons.
-I played soccer in high school even though I never made it past the JV team.  I chose jazz band over varsity soccer.
-I play trumpet, piano and handbells.
-I love VeggieTales as much as my two girls.
-I love Auburn University and everything with it.  Auburn football.  Auburn colors.  Auburn traditions.  My degree from Auburn.
-I am addicted to listening to podcast episodes.  I work alone on the third shift so I listen to podcasts constantly.
-Wicked is my all-time favorite Broadway play.
-I used to be a pretty horrible cook, but I'm trying and I've actually made like 2 or 3 good recipes.
-Being a mom defines me more than I ever could have imagined.
-I always add an extra shot of espresso to my coffee drinks.
-I am extremely afraid of bugs.  I scream at the sight of a cockroach.
-I adore Christ, my family, and life even as I learn day by day how to live it best.

Well, there ya go, 20 random (super random) facts.  Hope you enjoyed learning a bit more about me and will stick around to learn even more!

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Sweet Audrey 2011

This is my favorite Audrey picture of 2011.  My baby is growing into such a sweet girl.

Can they grow up any slower?

{Leah's best 2011 shot is here}

Sweet Leah 2011

This is my oldest Leah, practically a year ago but still my favorite from 2011.  Since I have two beautiful girls; you can click to see my favorite picture of my youngest too.

I Heart Faces Photo Challenge & Photography Tutorials

I cried in Publix

photo via here ... she hates them too

Publix has these carts.  If you don't know; Publix is a grocery store in my town (and others).  My girls love these carts.  They pretend they are driving.  Then the cars are flying and they are pilots.  Then they need to sing songs on the radio and make the groceries fly into the cart beneath the car.

I hate these carts.  They are like trying to drive an 18 wheeler while texting with strong winds on a narrow road with a sharp curve ahead.

But, without fail, we always end up with one of these carts.  It makes the girls happy ... and that way they are a bit quieter.  

Today, I had to go to the store by myself.

I already have a bit of social anxiety.  Crowds make me hyperventilate; it's that personal space bubble.  Don't violate my bubble.

Today, I had to watch a time while shopping because I started picking up some Sunday shifts at work for overtime and I work in a lab so I stuck my samples in a put on a timer and took the kids to the grocery store. (ok, the work thing is a bit more involved, but hard to explain).

While pushing my girls in that enormous car-cart and chewing gum, I chomped down way to hard on my lip.  It hurt.  It bleed.

So now I'm trying to steer this stupid car-cart, chewing blood, watching the time on my timer, marking items off of a list that is not in order of aisles at the store when I took a turn not sharp enough and ran straight into a display of mugs and coffee.  

A few mugs crashed and broke.  I froze.  Leah told me I shouldn't run into mugs.  Then she told me they broke and I made a mess.  Audrey told me 'uh oh.'

While the seconds slowed down and I stared at the broken pieces, a Publix employee rushed to help me.  *sigh* I thanked him and tried to hand him a broken piece that was stuck under my cart when he told me in a gruff and irritated voice, 'just don't touch it, please.'

The please didn't help, dude.

And I lost it.  I actually kept it in.  I only cried a little.  I could've wept.  But I did cry.

While walking down the cracker aisle, surrounded by Goldfish and Cheezit's; tears crept down my cheeks and I toke deep breaths trying to keep it in.

The girls feel asleep in the car on the way back to work.  I watched them sleep and the anxiety, the huge car-carts, the mugs breaking, the irritated employee, the small tears, are all for them.  And as they sleep, chests rising slowly, breathe easy, it makes sense.  I remember how very much I love them.

Sometimes you just have those days where you need to shed a few tears in Publix.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Friday, January 6, 2012

Can you be too bad-ass for Christ?

Can I be honest with y'all?

This week has not been a good one.

Maybe I had too high expectations heading into it.  I was going to get back into my being at home routine ... going to the Y, cleaning, cooking, folding laundry, etc.

Instead I have had no motivation to go to the gym, I let the laundry pile up because the washing machine broke, and I've just wanted to sit all week.  I have lost my patience everyday this week with both the girls and with Andrew.  I have been hurtful and lazy, and overall it's just been a shitty week.

While I was thinking about this at work last night, my brain jumped to a seemingly random thought; "I need more quiet time with God."

It's hard to describe, but I could feel my brain fighting with and against this thought.

Before college, I was very close in my spiritual walk with God.  I prayed constantly, and I felt a closeness with Him.  Then in college I started drinking and became pregnant out of wedlock at 21, and a part of my faith died.

When I think about strengthening my walk with Christ, part of me feels like I'm too bad-ass for that.  I cuss (in my head) now; I didn't then.  I drink now; I didn't then.  I'm more stressed out now, I'm more 'worldly'.  It feels like the hole is too big to cross over to join back with that faith walk.

I don't know if there is anyone else feeling the same way.  Perhaps it's only me.  I was such a strong Christian, so true in my ways and understanding.  I feel as if then I was tested, and I failed.  I want to be back where I was.  I want to once again feel the strength that comes from being close with my Savior.

I haven't abandoned any of my beliefs.  I still pray with my girls every night and feel it is important to take them to church.  I am still a Christian and a believer.

But it just makes me wonder ... can you be a bad-ass and still be close to Christ?

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Growing but somehow not Maturing

I looked over on my timeline and pulled up a post from January 2011 ultimately to remind myself that my word from 2011 was Growth.

Well, I think I have grown over 2011.  Perhaps it's happening a bit slower than I had hoped, but 2011 was a great year for our family and for my relationship.

For 2012 my word is going to be MINE!

It's a word I hear every day.
every . single . day .
because I have a 4 year old tattletale and a 2 year old non-sharer.

"Mine.  MINE."
"Mooooommmmmy, Audrey said miiinnneee."

Well, you know what, whining tattletales aside, I'm yelling MINE this year!

Hey stupid debt and bills stressing me out ... this money is MINE.  Yeah, yeah I know everything needs to get paid, but I will do it on my time without being overwhelmed.

Hey lazy attitude keeping me from working out ... this body is MINE.  I am going to work out, and go to the gym because this is the year I tackle my lack of willpower.  Hear that fat?  I'm coming after you too.

Clutter.  You stupid clutter that makes me trip.  Stupid piles that cause arguments between my husband and I.  Guess what clutter ... this house is MINE.  That's right, and I'm taking you down, packing you up and sending you to goodwill.  Then I'm cleaning the floor hiding under you.

I have a good feeling about 2012.  I have a good feeling that this is going to be a good year.  It's going to be my year ... and my family or course.

Mama’s Losin’ It
I'm linking up with Mama Kat with her prompt 5.) Okay okay I have to ask…what are your New Year’s Resolutions for 2012 and/or how did 2011′s resolutions turn out?

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

I don't need no stinkin' resolutions; I need some goals!

In 2007 I was pregnant with Leah, depressed, and eating like a starving hippo.  I gained a lot of weight, and I haven't really lost any of it.

I've been toying with the idea of losing weight for, oh, the last 4 years or so.  It's a nice thought; the thought of being skinnier.  I would usually toss it around in my head while eating chocolate and feeling sorry for myself over how fat I am.

And of course I'd complain to my soul mate about everything wrong with me.

Then one day, he came back with a zinger.

"I see on the debit card that you've been going to Taco Bell."  he said.
'yeah yeah,' my mind said, 'so ... it tastes good.'
"You know," he continued oblivious of my voices, "every time you go to a fast food restaurant or eat something not healthy you are making the choice to accept your weight and stay fat."

He's right.

That's how I have started on this journey of weight loss.  To help with it, I am very excited to join At the Pink of Perfection's and My Vickilicious Life's quest to the blogger's biggest loser.

Blogger's Biggest Loser

As a family we have decided to live the Paleo/Primal lifestyle.  In a nutshell, that means we eat like cavemen (i.e. hunter/gathers).  In the real world, that means we have given up mainly grains and pasta, refined sugars, beans, dairy, and focus on meats, good fats, and lots and lots of leafy veggies.  If you want to know more I highly recommend Mark Sisson at Mark's Daily Apple.

Now, down to the nitty gritty.

Today I weigh

Yuck, right.  Yuck.

By December 2012, I want to weigh 150 pounds.

So, to break this down in Zig Zigler / Dave Ramsey style:
December 2012 is about 11 months away which is about 48 weeks.
I want to lose 87.4 (88) pounds in 48 weeks.
That comes out to 1.8 pounds a week.
Round that up, and my goal is to lose 2 pounds a week.

Get that people?
2 pounds a week!
So totally do-able.

So, thanks to At the Pink of Perfection and My Vickilicious Life.  I will be here every other Tuesday updating on my weight loss journey.  On the other Tuesdays, I will be posting about my journey with the Primal diet.  So follow me, check out Mark, decide to live primal, and come back on the off Tuesdays to talk with me about it.

You know, if you want to.  :-p

p.s. if your wondering about my scale, I use the industrial super scale at work ... because that's how I roll, yo.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

I found you under the used-to-be wet towel in the corner of my bedroom

Ever had that moment when you are finally cleaning that trouble spot and see something and think, 'oh yeah, I was wondering where this went.  I used to have so much fun with it.'?

Oh yeah, I used to have some place to write my thoughts instead of thinking like a crazy person.

But then you smell the forgotten toy and it stinks of mildew or you quickly remember why you threw it in that corner to begin with.

That's where I was every time I thought about blogging again.  I wanted more, but I felt stuck.

So, I decided to change it up a bit.  I changed the name from the Colour 4 to Simply CK.  I want to focus more on me, selfish as that may sound.

I also changed the blog address.  I have no idea how that will effect people who followed me before.

I redesigned, and I'm happy with it for now.

Then I went to my reader which is overflowing with blogs that I followed back and clicked down crazy long lists saying 'hi, follow me i'll follow you' back when I started this internet endeavor.

Kinda makes me want to throw this blog back into the corner.

But I know I need it.  I know I need a place to write down my thoughts.  I know I need a place to vent.  I know I need a place to make connections and make friends.

New Blogging Resolution #1 - write in my blog  
New Blogging Resolution #2 - write in my blog again and again and again